I break bones and laugh.

Yesterday my mom told me a story. It was great because a) I'd never heard it before and b) it was about me, which instantly made it a lot more interesting to me. Apparently, when I was about three or four, my mother was sweeping the kitchen one day and I had a toy broom with which I was "helping" to sweep--much like I do today! My dad came home from...work, I guess, and obliviously tracked dirt into the kitchen. For some reason, I bellowed, "WE DON'T DO NASTY IN HERE!" My dad had already made it into the other room and yelled back, "What did she say?" My mother was laughing too hard to answer, especially since she had no idea where I got that phrase or wording. I have no idea. But I encourage you to adopt it as a life motto, as I have. [It serves jointly with my usual motto: "Well, my glove compartment is locked, so are the trunk in the back and I know my rights so you gon' need a warrant for that." See if I buy from those Girl Scouts again.]

Other things I endorse for life improvement include, for one, Boston terriers. Like this little guy. That is actually probably a French bulldog, but I don't know for sure. However, the Boston Terrier Club of America says: A white Boston Terrier is not a legitimate color for the breed (neither is red or blue...)...WHITE BOSTON TERRIERS ARE NOT RARE ! They are unfortunate mistakes of nature.

This is, of course, a vicious lie. Boston terriers are always awesome. THIS IS FACTUAL INFORMATION.

I just think that's a little over the top and hysterical, akin to the clockwork page that said, "If you are not a watch repairperson you have no rights or sane reason for purchasing a movement." What if I just like clockwork? "Before rocket science was a science watches were considered man’s finest most delicate machines to date." Oh, come on. I hardly think that watches are as ser--"Lower your shields and surrender your watches. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile." Well okay, then. [By the way, it tickles me that Wiki has a list of Fictional Assimilating Races.]

Speaking of rocket science, I will be viewing The Dark Knight next week at the Space and Rocket Center's IMAX theater. If I do not get launched into space, it should be awesome. At 10AM. I wonder if they have some sort of space waffles I can eat while I'm watching. The Man told me to be careful because of the possibility of IMAX theaters showing non-IMAX movies (I thought his caution was a warning about accidental space launches), but thankfully, slashfilm says: "You have to see The Dark Knight on IMAX. This is not a marketing gimmick. Six sequences and most of the establishing shots were filmed using 70mm IMAX cameras. The experience is amazingly vivid, and unlike any superhero movie you have ever seen before. It’s the difference between watching standard and High Definition. If you have the option, you must see this movie in IMAX." Alright already, I got a ticket! Apparently people are getting the message because the site also reports that "advance ticket sales are through the roof, already surpassing $2 million on IMAX sales alone, more than a week prior to opening. Over 100 IMAX shows are already sold out." Awesome.

I am very excited and based on my viewing of the first five minutes, willing to believe any of the hype concerning Mr. Ledger. The clip is crap--a video made of the theater screen--but even so and even with a mask on for most of the duration, Heath is incredible. From the way he's standing when we first see him in the clip to the last glimpse of him, it's glorious.

I have not finished scanning the next batch of family photos yet--school drama and freak but brief illness got in the way. The school drama refers to...oh, I can't get into this without being overcome with petty rage. Long story short, couldn't take test arrrgh. Protip, school: Some people may find posting information like the fact that your testing center closes to testing an hour before its posted closing time somewhat relevant. Aaaaargh. Anyway, I will try to get some done later today in between napping hopefully and getting some housework done before I go see Chris Rock.

Back to good stuff: Next year, I'll be going on an Amazon river cruise. I hate using the word "cruise," since that makes people think of like, Carnival and this is no cruiseship. We're talking a clipper here. No, not like the Cutty Sark. Basically, around 30 passengers not including crew. I don't remember how I even got the idea. I was reading something on Frommer's site and caught a reference to the trips and after reading about it, I was hooked. And that's before I found out about the peanut butter and jelly water and the pink dolphins!

See, one of the big tourist attractions in that part of the world is the "Meeting of the Waters," where the River Solimoes meets the Rio Negro to join in holy matrimony form the Amazon. The smaller rivers are noticeably different in color and so when they meet, they flow beside each other in two different colors for a bit before mixing. I dunno--to me it looks like peanut butter and jelly:



Mmm, sandwich. Then, I heard about the botos, the Amazon's pink dolphins or as they're also known, encantado, for "enchanted one." As a girly girl who may or may not have owned at least one Lisa Frank product, I was immediately interested. Then it got even better. The dolphins come with their own legend. Sy Montgomery, who has written two books about the encantados, one for children and one for adults, wrote, "They say the boto can turn into a person, that it shows up at fiestas to seduce men and women. They say you must be careful, or it will take you away forever to the Encante, the enchanted city beneath the water." She might as well have written, "DING DING DING! STUFF SALOME WILL LIKE! DING DING DING!" First, there is the Amazon river trip. Then you throw in an environmental novelty. And if that weren't enough, there are also magical dolphins? Who are pink?! I may need a lie-down. The "facts" about the encantados just kept getting better and better. Field Guide to Monsters of the World*, in noting a detail that fills me with glee, says, "Their transformation is never fully complete, however: an encantado will always have a bald spot on the top of its head where its dolphin blowhole remains. For this reason, the encantado always keeps his head covered, usually with a broad-brimmed straw hat." Absolute joy.

I think I'm going to around the end of next May. That should give me enough time to get together the necessary papers (Brazilian visa and such) and get the recommended vaccinations. Yellow fever--catch it.

"Each person who encounters an Encantado comes away from the encounter speaking a different truth, informed by dreams and ghosts and the hot, whispered breath of rain on the river. For here in the Amazon, where unfathomable tragedies collide with unquenchable desires, the most preposterous of impossibilities come true."

And if my fulfilled impossibilities don't include being knocked up by a dolphin, I will be okay with that.

*Which should really start updating again, because it's like a grown-up World Book.

An hour ago, I went to the nearest gas station to get some pain medication--yes, my headache was so bad that I left my office--and all they had was Motrin. Ugh. I was like, "They still make that?" Not to mention ibuprofen doesn't do much for me. I guess it could have been worse--it could have been just naproxen (Aleve). In terms of their effectiveness on me, ranked from maximum to least, headache treatments look like this:

*Acetaminophen, aspirin, and caffeine (I love you, Excedrin)
*acetaminophen
*ibuprofen
*aspirin
*quiet time/nap/etc
*wishing really hard
*naproxen

After all this presidential campaigning, though, I need some Excedrin for Racial Tension Headaches.

I can't conceive of a movie poster or image or thing produced by humans that could be less appealing than this. It looks a neo-noirish version of Peter Griffin. Ugh. That gives me the ickles.

Tomorrow I go back to school. Oh yeah, I've been on spring break this past week. And what a rocking good time it was, amirite? But back to school--my American history class scares me. I've gotten used to the way he lectures so I'm not trying to slit my wrists with the edge of my desk anymore but I may start trying again if he keeps asking questions. Most of the time he does straight lecture but occasionally he'll ask us questions about current events or history and I am the only one who ever answers. Last class, he asked a long series of questions--what Presidents were generals, what Presidents had military service, were they good Presidents, etc--and I answered all but one. (Another student volunteered Washington as a President who'd been a general while I was mentally searching my Presidential blind spot, the period between Lincoln and the start of the 20th century.) It's really kind of depressing, especially the fact that these people are legal to vote. It's not that I think there should be some sort of test pre-voting (and unlike my classmates, I know the negative associations of voter tests) but it always surprises me how some people move through the world completely oblivious to everything.

In other news, I sent a package to monooka yesterday and I'm so excited. Not like, "Woo, go me--I sent a present!" but it's so specific--a specific reminder of a very...very night, that is--that I can't wait for her to get it. I'm excited to tell you all what it is but in a few days, so we don't ruin the surprise.

Now if you'll permit, I'm going to say, "Scuse me" to this elephant in the room and try to focus on positive thoughts today. Happy Easter!

I'm watching The Last King of Scotland right now and I think I know how I want to decorate my apartment.

( Welcome to my humble abode: )

I get really annoyed whenever I see headlines going by that say, "Romney says so-and-so" or "Romney met a possum." Because I get tickled and then I realize that they're talking about Mitt Romney and not Hugh Romney (The Superior Romney®). Hugh Romney was in charge of security at Woodstock, where he made the backstage password "I forgot." Mitt Romney looks like he came out of a blister pack. Hugh Romney delighted me in Boulder, CO when he showed up unexpectedly while walking his pet fish. Mitt Romney thought the roof of a car was an appropriate place to transport a dog for twelve hours. Hugh Romney is the namesake of what was my favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry's (until it was discontinued). Mitt Romney...totally is not.

But most of all, Hugh Romney is behind the only Presidential candidate I'll ever truly trust: Nobody. Nobody is the candidate for me. Why?

Nobody is really qualified for the presidency. After all, Nobody was president before George Washington. And, no matter what the issue is, it's obvious that Nobody has all the answers!

Who will keep their campaign promises? Nobody! Who will lower your taxes? Nobody! Who will bring peace in our time? Nobody! Who should be running your life? Nobody!

Who should have that much power?

Nobody!



Shhh, he's speaking.