I break bones and laugh.

The 3 dumbest things I read concerning American school childrens this week:

1) Rather than allow a lesbian student to attend with her girlfriend, the local school board in Fulton, MS, votes to cancel Itawamba Agricultural High School's senior prom for everyone.
2) A middle school student who was handed Adderall and handed it back was suspended because having it in her hand constitutes possession.
3) "The board approves the amendment, taking Thomas Jefferson OUT of the world history standards." I...just...how...this...aaarage stroke.

Going for the EGOT in civic duty:

1) I did my part on Tuesday, voting in the special election on whether or not to legalize the sale of alcohol in this city only. By a margin of 28 votes, the measure is denied. The city stays dry.
2) Via buccal swab, I donated samples to the marrow registry. As I was doing so, I laughed about my family's commitment to medical science--I was, after all, giving this sample in the same building where I have anthropology (and Psychology and Law). I was complaining about the tables in that building when my sister said, "You know that's where PawPaw is, right?" I did not know that. See, my paternal grandfather died last fall and that's when we found out that he'd donated his body to UAB. And now he's in Campbell Hall, where I am twice a week.

[By the way, speaking of my family and our association with medical science--people can have all sorts of opinions. Isn't that great? A world full of people with opinions. It's nice. And you can express those opinions whenever you want. But see, here's the thing. If you are a Gonstead chiropractor who's anti-vaccination, please don't use my family's name in association with expressing this viewpoint. The Gonst(e)ad family is strongly pro-vax and we want no part of your monkeyshines.]

Also, Tuesday, I developed a raging toothache. After realizing that I'd downed 6 OTC pain relievers in the first coupla hours I'd been at work, I called my mother and begged her to break the glass on my emergency Vicodin stash, which she did. I was supposed to have a filling last week, but the appointment was canceled the day of. So, I went to the dentist Thursday afternoon, following a long day of school. This visit, like the last visit, I saw the other guy who works there, the newer guy, not the practice owner whom I'm used to.

He asked me if anything aggravated the tooth pain and I said only cold drinks and foods. He asked if anything relieved the pain and I said painkillers. I wasn't sure what else I could say. The same night my mom brought the Vicodin, she also brought some eugenol. That worked somewhat, but really it only masked the pain around the tooth and oh yeah, it tasted like fellating a zombie. I'm not sure if this was some sort of tell that triggered the addiction interrogation procedure, but that's what it felt like I got, which, look. I've been going to this practice for a few years now. I've gotten a sum total of two prescriptions for Vicodin issued before Thursday, each for ten pills each. Each prescription was issued at least a year ago. If I were feenin' for Vicodin, one would think I'd be working a little harder to get it.

Dr.: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Not really.
Dr.: "Not really"?
Me: Nothing that would affect anything here.

I am allergic to liquid All detergent and I have a strong sensitivity to dextromethorphan. As long as we're not doing laundry and/or robotripping, it's cool.

Dr.: Do you take any medication?
Me: No.
Dr.: When's the last time you visited a doctor?

I am going to assume he meant more of a general doctor, not specialists, and doesn't want to hear about my visit last week to talk about my upcoming "lid eval" for my Forest Whitaker eye. Anyway, the last time I saw someone for something other than a specific body part was that time I ripped my artery open and they stapled me back together.

Dr.: So no medication?
Me: I take a multivitamin. And biotin. Sometimes I take extra vitamin C and iron.
Dr.: No birth control?

Is "birth control" code for any of those things I just said? Then, no.

Dr.: Are you pregnant or is there a chance you could be pregnant?
Me: Oh, child. Bless your heart.

It was so irritating. They knew there was an outstanding problem--I'd had the filling scheduled, after all, and he'd noticed himself that there were issues with the teeth that were hurting. I'm sorry that they couldn't pinpoint for themselves what exactly was causing the problem, but gah. At one point, he asked if a root canal would be something I'd want to look into and I was like, "Just give me a root canal. Just do it. I don't care." And I don't. Root canals don't scare me. I am more haunted by the fact that I can't eat the delicious frozen mango in my freezer right now.

Finally, I got my Vicodin and I have my mango so I've got that going for me, which is nice. Also, I'm not sure if you know this, but Christoph Waltz won an Oscar.* Below: The photo metaphor of my deepest wish.



PS: I see what you did there, Colbert.

*This has been my favorite thing to say to everyone this week.

If you haven't heard the story about the guy from Texas who singlehandedly Jack Bauered a plane full of tourists--I'm sorry, terrorists, you really should. This Fark thread is particularly outstanding.

See also: Flight 297 Passenger: Tedd Petruna Is 'Living In A Fantasy World'

Things I've read, things I've thought, things I've done, things I've bought:

Holocaust Museum Attack Is an Excellent Media Opportunity For Deranged Racists: While you're at it, though, do you mind if I tell you about my interesting ideas on race? Or, barring that, at least let me look respectable in a coat and tie on your air?

I saw a blurb this weekend where the Operation Rescue head compared himself to Nat Turner. Let me just pry my forehead from the desk and say that if you are any abolitionist, which...not, but if you were, you're John Brown at Harpers Ferry getting a bunch of people killed. Now you and Glenn Beck, get back to history class.

Oh and speaking of Fox News, here's Frank Rich talking about the kerfuffle going on re: my bff Shep and his "I get crazy talk!" comments.

An amazing set of photos from the aftermath of the Iranian election.

Polidori Chocolates: Mmm, I ♥ marshmallows. PS: start_0ver, ahem, ahem.

Les Blank, with his documentaries about blues musicians and gap-toothed women, may be my dream man. Too bad he's 73.

Listening to: Lay Low, The Emperor Machine, Dirty Projectors, Passion Pit, Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, JB Lenoir

Watching: Les Blank documentaries, lots of giallo, American Gothic

Going: To see DRH next week. To lose my mind if my knee doesn't heal right (I injured it in an incident really too unseemly to describe--there was a pop, then an ow. I don't think I tore a major ligament because there was no swelling and the pain subsided within a minute. Nevertheless, I am terrified that something will go horribly wrong).

Thinking about: Going to see Porter Batiste Stoltz in Florida next month. Moving to the city of angels and stolen water.

I love summer. I have a tan and mosquito bitten legs, I watch movies by the pool and read all the time. It's like I'm 12. Er, except for the part where my two biggest concerns are my screenplay and how my tomaters are doing.

In order not to have a looooong entry, here are some nonpersonal life things before I write about my personal life. So...

Things that have made me laugh/things I've found interesting this week:

• I haven't really gotten into Rifftrax (in which former MST3K cast members and others record MST3Kesque audio tracks to be played while watching movies) as much as one would think, considering my deep and abiding love for MST3K. I don't own most of the movies they've done tracks for, so renting a movie and buying a track and syncing them is just beyond my lazy usually, especially when I can just watch Giant Spider Invasion and be happy. [At this point, I went looking for an example clip and became distracted watching various clips for...some minutes.] However, the upcoming Twilight track? Ohhh, so excited. And I've been taking a look at the rest of the samples, which I've missed and they're just as great. Prisoner of Azkaban:
  
  Hagrid: That, Ron, is the hippogriff. First thing you want to know about hippogriffs is that they're very proud creatures. Very easily offended.
  Bill: Very quick to compare you to Hitler online.
  
  See also: "Why is Ron dressed like Mr. Smith at the end of his filibuster?"



• Canadian political cartoons: "GOD here I am just trying to cook my chickens and AMERICA IS IN THE WINDOW
  
  NO, GET OUT OF MY WINDOW AMERICA THESE CHICKENS ARE MINE. Stay away from my inter-colonial railway carrots too."
  
  Ahaha. A) America, you whore. B) My personal favorite is the one listing the negatives of the US, including "radical adventurers" and "Bowie knives." Those are our selling points! Also, like Kate Beaton, one of my favorite things about old political cartoons is the need to label everything.



• We finished talking about WWII this week.
  
  
  
  What, is that not how it happened? (See here for the rest of Angus McLeod's simple guide to WWII and for the rest of his amazing art.)



• I don't know what about my Twitter screams, "Add me, conservative fellows!" but it seems to. Maybe it's my glee over these (very historically accurate) tea party things. Just look at the signs! (And then look at my favorite sign.) See also: John Oliver's brilliant piece on the parties. And if you're a conservative (or not), feel free to add me as well.



• And finally, Pre-durst is my new favorite Tumblr. It's a musical flashback to the days before we did it all for the nookie. As one does.

First of all, RIP Konrad Dannenberg. Don't know who he is? Well, he's one of the men who put a human being on the moon! See When The Germans, And Rockets, Came to Town, a favorite article of mine, for more details in general and NASA's own Legendary Rocket Pioneer Visits Kennedy. Or you know, any of the articles shooting across various news wires today.

"In an interview with The Associated Press on the 30th anniversary of the first moon landing, Dannenberg said of all the rocket launches, the test launch of the V-2 on Oct. 3, 1942, stood out the most. It soared 53 miles high, just past the 50-mile point where space begins. It was the first rocket to break that barrier."

Can you imagine what that felt like?

How did I learn about Dannenberg's death? From Twitter, of course. My favorite tweet this week (from Quest while at a gentleman's club): "lol @ 6 people outtin me on twitter like this is some gossip girl ep: SPOTTED AT STRIP CLUB W/ 4 HONEY DIPS, DR AFRO LOVE LOL"

I am down to Scumdog Nixon as my last Best Picture nominee to watch, having finished The Curious Case of Benjamin Button the other night. I thought I kind of liked it, but when I wrote a capsule review on Facebook, this came out: Lovely and well-acted, but based on an absurd premise that provokes more questions than it answers. Worst of all, the inclusion of Katrina is not only hamhanded, but cheap and offensive--it's the real curiosity considering Pitt's work with Make It Right Nola.

Um, thumbs down?

Urgh, I hate this story about the chimp in Connecticut, particularly all the "Ooh, what could have caused it? Could have it been Xanax or the Dow or the position of the moon?"

Or was it the fact that THE CHIMP IS A WILD ANIMAL? Have you heard about Frodo, the on-and-off alpha male at Gombe?

Frodo seized the position of alpha male in 1997, taking advantage of his brother Freud when the latter came down with mange. By then, however, his instinct for dominance had already produced a series of violent run-ins with prominent Homo sapiens. In 1988, for example, "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson was the target of Frodo's belligerence. Larson walked away from the tussle with only bruises and scratches, but his caricatures of primates as malevolent geniuses gained a sudden authenticity. A year later Frodo jumped on Goodall and thrashed her head so thoroughly that he nearly broke her neck. In the wake of that incident Goodall has consistently refused to enter Frodo's territory without a pair of bodyguards along for protection.

Oh and what happened after those incidents? "...Frodo snatched and killed the child of a Tanzanian park worker." To quote Cracked (on the subject of the dingo, but still), "It took 7,000 years of breeding and training to make your pet dog. This is not your pet dog." And hey, look--that post is where I learned about Frodo in the first place.

In other news, I fulfilled a cheese dream last weekend. I finally got some Rogue River Blue and it is everything that I hoped it could be. I was a little nervous when I was perusing the cheese counter and the guy asked me if I needed help--I didn't want to have that awkward conversation where you have to be like, "Actually...I already have a cheese advisor." [As per our previous talk, I also got Gjetost. As I was raised by Norwegians (on my dad's side), I am charmed by it. As a person who likes cheese, I am unsettled by it. I'm going to have to do some more experimenting with it, maybe try it in some recipes. "The Norwegian game sauce suits excellent game meals as for example reindeer." No, not that one.]

Speaking of food, I have to bounce 'cause it's dinnertime, but first--a conversation I had with my grandmother.

Me: Oh, MIA had her baby.
My grandmother: Oh, I knew that already.

PS: I don't care what anyone says--I am psyched about Inglourious Basterds.

Links that have made me laugh recently:

Two Straight Boys Explore the Intricacies of Grind Dancing Together: "This is soooo appropriate right now."

And now... every "Extreme horror" story ever written: Begin to scream.

I love Josh Brolin: "Josh Brahlin," he drawled when he took the podium at the National Board of Review awards ceremony, mimicking host Whoopi Goldberg's mispronunciation of his name. "That's how fucking famous I am... I just whispered in her ear, I said, 'What the fuck is the matter with you?' And she goes, 'I don't know. I'm high.'"

Fuck Yeah Ryan Gosling: I think I'm giving you the biggest hug ever.

Fuck You Penguin: I know I've posted this site before, but the funny has dramatically increased in the wake of FUP losing a Weblog Award. A personal favorite at the moment. Relevant to my interests: baby pandas.

7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept As Pets: The Brent Spiner lookalike was able to acquire a couple of grizzly bear cubs which he promptly sent to President Jefferson as either a gift or an assassination attempt.

Speaking of the love of my historical life, I've been reading my Christmas presents and I learned something interesting already. I knew that after the British burned down the Library of Congress, Jefferson sold his entire personal library to the federal government below cost to start the restocking (almost 6500 books). What I didn't know is that he was so offended by the destruction that he suggested hiring goons to burn down a few British buildings in retaliation. Wait, did I say "a few"? "Our present enemy will have the sea to herself, while we shall be equally predominant at land, and shall strip her of all her possessions on this continent. She may burn New York, indeed, by her ships and congreve rockets, in which case we must burn the city of London by hired incendiaries, of which her starving manufacturers will furnish abundance." Whoa. He let his rage go, though, out of loyalty to James Madison. And this has been Salomé is a giant history nerd.

Other links I have enjoyed:

HRC on the subject of female empowerment: "If half the world's population remains vulnerable to economic, political, legal and social marginalization, our hope of advancing democracy and prosperity is in serious jeopardy. The United States must be an unequivocal and unwavering voice in support of women's rights in every country, on every continent." I had to smoke a cigarette after watching that.

Speaking of politics, Mr. Stewart has been on point lately. "You didn't need to--you sold ours." Hang on, I need another cigarette. Anyway, like I told Tanis, I really want some lemon cookies right now it feels very Frost/Nixon: "I'd like to give Richard Nixon the trial he never had." Oh, if only. However, I was reminded earlier that we are now in the last 100 hours of GWB, so praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. By the way, don't miss the collection of Jon's impressions of Bush.

PEBO had dinner with George Will, Charles Krauthammer, Bill Kristol AND David Brooks?! Oh, good Lord.

ETA: Chocolate in my peanut butter, pandas in my politics: DC Pandas Celebrate Inauguration With Early Orgy.

A snippet of an oddly familiar political debate, featuring noted politicians the Penguin and the Batman.

WHAT

We've never seen a pant as luxe as this. Uh, I have. They were denim and made by JNCO. And I was wearing them.