I break bones and laugh.

Hello, my lovelies. I am feeling much better today than last night--yesterday was full of...challenges (flat tire, two trips to the tire place...) and that was the last straw for me. But like I said, I found something and I'm trying to concentrate on the upside.

But anyway...Happy 4th of July! Enjoy your hot dog gorging, ice cold beer and discount fireworks (bottle rockets are a $1, we accept va/mc!) and give a salute to our forefathers and their bravery 230 years ago.

MassHysterical: lol...engerland we totally PWNED joo!
Virginny4luv: i know, rite?

I am going to hide out and not answer any calls from former you-know-whats and enjoy myself. Maybe I'll out test out the rest of my new BPAL (including the Smut I got yesterday from missmp!). Concentrate on the good stuff, yanno?

I should really pack, too!

So Friday around midnight, I was IMing with the man and having a snack. I went to put my dish in the sink and on my way back I tripped over a loose nail in the door frame I've been meaning to hammer down. And by "tripped," I mean I caught my foot on it.

( Cut for the squeamish )

She had the large bandages that I needed and after bandaging it, it wasn't so bad. I couldn't walk well on Saturday, which was annoying since I had a crapload of chores to do but I could do a little at a time. I got some of those nifty Band-Aid® Active-Flex bandages (product placement!!!) and I've been trying to avoid walking and I think it's a lot better.

Saturday I got my W-2 forms from work and after filing my return (my federal one, at least) and finding out that I'm getting back an airline ticket, I was feeling pretty chipper. Then, I got my W-2 forms from Embassy Suites, where I barely remember working. So I got to file an amended return this afternoon and I found out that I'm now getting back $65 less. How is it that I worked more and am getting less? Oh, Lord bless this country--bless it right in its stupid face.

Also Saturday I got my second BPAL order and...disappointment, woe. Specifically I got my bottle of Stardust and two free samples, one of Roadhouse (on my wishlist) and one of Black Rose. My reviews (as always, these are cross-posted to the BPAL.org forum, with occasional changes):

( Stardust )

( Black Rose )

( Roadhouse )

I bought Fire of Love from cleolinda, which is one of the voodoo blends I want to try (and have just ordered), and of course, I'll share my thoughts on those when they get here.

I'm going to go eat and try running on my gimpy foot now. Later!

Oh, P.S.: Remember in chat when I said I wanted to use that phrase (about friction) some time this season? I did last night! :)

Hey, who wants to be offended this morning? Here you go!

"The president believes the comments were not appropriate," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said.

Yeah, ya think?!

Every time I've gone to the Jimmie Hale Mission (thrift store), I've thumbed through this book. It's called 1001 Tips for Teens and it was first published in 1967. Well, I bought it yesterday and I'm going to share some of its wisdom with you. First up, for you single people out there or maybe some of you coupled people too, here are some tips from the chapter titled "Where the Boys Are."

*When you have a chance to pick an elective or special course, choose one on photography or crafts. There are bound to be many more boys than girls enrolled in such courses, and you'll have them practically all to yourself!

Hmm, but how do you get him to notice you?

*Carrying a book with an unusual title is also a great conversation-starter. What boy can resist trying to meet a girl who's reading books like Witchcraft in the 13th Century or Handwriting Analysis?

My sister: Plenty.

*It's been said that there's really nothing more effective to get the boy you want to fall for you than to keep on and on and on, telling him: "You are so wonderful!"

*If your date at a drive-in wants to get overly romantic, honk the horn "accidentally."

I love the euphemisms of the book and the idea that you have to concoct some sort of diversion to get someone to stop groping you.

How about some fashion and beauty tips?

*A worn shaving brush makes a soft complexion brush that will give your face and neck an effective soap massage. After getting a brush from Dad or Big Brother, cut the bristles down to about one inch from the handle.

I love you, Big Brother. Room 101, sponsored by Gillette.

*Have you tried covering old earrings with pieces of wool? Looks neat!

*And for your next big date tape pink roses to your earlobes.

*If your lips are too full, it's difficult to disguise their shape. Best system is to use honey-tone or beige lipstick which do not call extra attention to your mouth.

Yeah, someone might want to get overly romantic with you.

*Every gal can afford a mink stole--if it's made out of soapsuds! While you're in the tub, "drape" a thick soapy lather around your shoulders, arms, and back. Then enjoy the luxurious effect of "white mink," while the suds work to make your skin more glamourous.

How about some pointers for around the house?

*Be a real snob--get a black telephone!

...

*If your boyfriend asks you to help decorate his room, suggest he give it a sophisticated, worldly look by displaying empty champagne, cognac, and other fancy wine bottles on shelves, just as many top-notch bistros do. (You can do the same with gay, straw-covered bottles for your room.)

*Nonalcoholic variation on a popular drink--the Rusty Nail. Dissolve a beef bouillon cube, add a shot of vanilla and pour over cracked ice.

Yum.

That should be enough learning for now.

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twentyseven cents January
17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb.
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I
need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not
the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back
it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical
joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday
somebody goes on trial for murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid
I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses
in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle
Max after he came over from Russia.

I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let your emotional life be run by
Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner
candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Business-
men are serious. Movie producers are serious.
Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.

But we Americans are the children of England! Sure maybe we don't call enough, and we are not as well-behaved as our goody-two-shoes brother, Canada (who, by the way, has never had a girlfriend)...

--Dear CSI,

As you know, I really enjoy the show. I especially wanted to thank you for tonight's episode. It was a very helpful resource in that "Some People Like to Dress Up Like Animals and Hump Each Other" discussion I've been meaning to have with my grandmother. The ladies at the beauty shop will be way impressed with her knowledge of furries, especially when she uses terms like "yiffing."

Thanks ever so much,

Salome

--Dear body,

What the hell is wrong with you? One moment, you're like, "I sure am sneezy today. Must be sinuses" and the sinuses are all "Hey, don't put that shit on us" and now you're like, "Total system failure--everyone must evacuate!" What is the deal, pickle? You better start responding to the specially made cough syrup I have to take or else we get dextromethorphan and you know what that does. In short, I feel like crap. Why have you forsaken me?

Bleh,

The Captain

--Dear jalapeno poppers,

Why can't I stop eating you?

Wondering (and hungry),

S.

--Dear fast food staff,

Okay, let me get this straight. The new girl didn't know that five jalapeno poppers came in a regular order so she only dropped four. So, you guys are compensating me with a chicken finger since those are already done. Okay...so why did I get a chicken finger and five poppers?

Still confused,

Girl in the silver car

--Dear Limey,

Thanks for emailing me. That was really unexpected and happy-making. Have a good time tomorrow night.

Yours,

Cherry Pop

--Dear Strokes,

I love Room On Fire.

Thanks,

Salome

--Dear telemarketer,

I know you were calling for a worthy cause and it is one that I support. However, when I am sick and trying to sleep in before work, take no for an answer. No, really.

Still a Yellow Dog Dem in a family of Republicans,

S.

--Dear friends list,

Happy Halloween! I hope you all have a good holiday and get lots of candy. Have a great weekend!

Love,

Salome

Does anyone else watch Court TV? Like during the daytime?

See, I watch it most nights because their night programming is a lot of forensic-related programming. During the day they have trial footage, which I try to avoid because sweet Lord, is it boring. This morning I turned on the TV while I was getting ready and it was on Court TV because that was what I was watching last night. They were airing the trial of that novelist that's accused of throwing his wife down a flight of stairs and oh, my God. I almost went back to sleep.

If I were on that jury, I think I might die. This morning's footage included the testimony of the forensic meteorologist (!), who went into this longwinded explanation of how the windchill factor affects the temperature. I can't imagine what the jury was thinking. I think I'd be drawing on my legal pad, making little comics of the meteorologist being eaten by weasels or something.

Watching this trial made me really glad that I've never been selected for jury duty. It was this Onion article come to life.

It could have been worse I guess. It could have been their umpteenth analysis of the Scott Peterson case (Could sentient toasters have committed this crime?) or their latest thought-provoking poll (Are celebrities treated differently? Well, are they?!).

Suffice to say, I was very early for class this morning.