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wolfpangsAnd now, some more advice, courtesy of 1001 Tips for Teens. I hope you all appreciate these because I had to go out to my car to get the book and I'm watching The Town That Dreaded Sundown (and I just saw the trombone scene!).
First some quick tips:
*Cut down a torn plastic raincoat to keep you dry below the neck when you're giving yourself a shampoo.
*When you burn yourself, vanilla extract will ease the pain.
Yeah, alcohol and vanilla eases a lot of pain.
*(No, you don't drink it--you apply it!)
Oh.
*Ice cubes in a plastic bag make a quick ice bag.
*Don't spend money on something you may not really want or need--even if it only costs 79 cents. A good way to look at this is to figure, seventy-nine cents is a third of a box of fine chocolate, a fifth of a fancy new sweater, one-twentieth of a good permanent.
Are these exchange rates?
*Avoid putting your hands on your hips--most guys think it doesn't look attractive.
*Be the first in your crowd to learn to play the Doodka, a musical instrument made from a 2x4 inch piece of cereal-box cardboard. It's about the size and shape and weight of a business card and makes sounds somewhere between a clarinet and a violin!
*If you're tall, practice dancing with your knees slightly bent. This is a smarter way than leaning over and sticking out in back when dancing with a shorter boy.
*Best personality picker-upper is a hobby. Doesn't matter what you collect, whether it's soup bones or cheese labels (very popular in Europe right now. They even hold international conventions and exhibitions there). Collect something! Even if it's only as an alibi for some boy to come over "to case your collection!"
*If you want dogs to stay away from you, dip your clothes in kerosene.
Clothing and fashion tips:
*To avoid clothespin marks on your washable slacks, turn the pockets inside out and hang them up that way.
I assume one should burn their unwashable slacks.
*If a rich uncle presents you with a dozen nylons, or happen to pick them up cheap at a special sale, the safest place to store them is in your deep freeze! As often in such things, New York top models were first to find this out and they say it really adds longevity to stockings. But before wearing, be sure to defrost them slowly.
Okay, first of all, I love a world in which pantyhose are so cost-prohibitive that they have to be freezer-stored. Second, I think the inclusion of the last sentence gives a big hint about what this book's author thought of his audience's intelligence.
*Stumped about how to dry crinoline petticoats quickly? Hang them over an open umbrella to dry!
*"Teenage Girls Discuss Their Wardrobes" is a leaflet you can get free by writing to the Agriculture Department, Washington, DC. (Send along a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)
*Some kids we know won't wear any other kinds of sandals than those with tire-tread soles. They search for them all over. Want to join the hunt?
No, and these kids should be shunned and mocked.
*How would you like to own an original creation by a famous couturier? Stop in at your local Goodwill Industries thrift shop and you might find just that--and at an unbelievably low price! Many celebrities, like Celeste Holm and Eva Gabor, donate their last season's almost-new wardrobes to Goodwill. The shopper who spots such a bargain is a lucky gal--and a fashionable one.
Or, you may find a book with incredibly stupid tips.
*Got any old socks around the house? Who hasn't! So start a fad--and save money besides. Wear unmatched socks to all informal occasions. Bet all the other kids will go for it. And you'll get a reputation for a being a trendsetter!
*Bet you never thought about sewing colorful or shiny old buttons on wide strips of elastic and wearing them as suspenders? Looks real groovy!
Oooh, beauty secrets:
*Want to give yourself a nose job? You'll achieve a turned-up nose effect by putting just a little rouge in the nostrils at the outer edge. But try not to sneeze.
Recipe time!:
*At your next party serve an ice-cream soda with a new flavor combination--pineapple syrup and chocolate ice cream. Some kids call it a "Hoboken," we call it simply delicious.
*Important point: any drink will taste better if sipped through a straw. Never run out of straws.
*Ice cream can be turned into a super-sundae treat within seconds. Use grenadine syrup, Nesselrode sauce or tutti-frutti sauce on cherry, strawberry, blueberry, peach or lemon. Use chocolate sauce or butterscotch on pineapple-pecan, mincemeat or apple-walnut ice cream.
What?
*Sprinkle a teaspoonful of powdered coffee over each serving of vanilla ice cream when the gang comes to your house.
*For a very special guy (like your Dad) make a rose omelette. Break eight eggs into the blender, season with one level teaspoon celery salt and a pinch of marjoram. Add half a cup of freshly picked roses and blend at medium speed until the eggs are fluffy and the petals are almost liquified. Cook and garnish with rosebuds. How elegant!
WHAT. And eight eggs?!
*To stop complaints about the size of hamburgers you dish out, use an ice-cream dipper to make uniform meat balls or patties.
Or tell those bitches to make their own damn dinner.
*Maybe the fanciest way to serve hamburgers is to take a pumpkin or melon and make a hole on top to accommodate a long candle securely. Then spike the melon with tiny hamburger bits on toothpicks to make it look like a cactus plant or porcupine. Guests will "heat" their burger snacks by touching it to the flame before gulping them down. Gives them a yummy charcoal flavor, too!
Let's party!:
*If you're bored with anagrams and charades at a party, why not try a word puzzler called palindrome, invented by an ancient Greek?
What kind of party is this? And no, in case you were wondering, the particular Greek doesn't matter.
*Beatnik parties are overdone, but you'll be way ahead of the game if you give a formal Beatnik party! Invitations should specify "black sneakers." (As for the rest, there'll be guitar-playing, poetry-reading, and the lot.)
*To celebrate the first birthday of an Atlanta, GA baby boy, his parents held a party in the automobile where he was born while his mother was on the way to a hospital.
Tips for the boyfriend:
*Ask your special guy to read these suggestions--or better still, read some over the phone to him--and he'll race right over!
*There's a place in the Times Square area of New York City that hand-paints neckties right on your shirt! Check if there isn't some kook in your city who'll do a neat job of it for you.
I'm pretty sure that at the time this book was written, there were a lot of strange things going on in the "Times Square area."
*You guys whose socks are always falling down! No need to wear garters. Just draw a line with wet soap around your ankles and let dry. You'll find your socks will stay up pretty well.
*If you find you have no time for a quickie shave, a bright tie will divert attention away from a five o'clock shadow.
Or just have some kook hand-paint a bright tie on your face!
First some quick tips:
*Cut down a torn plastic raincoat to keep you dry below the neck when you're giving yourself a shampoo.
*When you burn yourself, vanilla extract will ease the pain.
Yeah, alcohol and vanilla eases a lot of pain.
*(No, you don't drink it--you apply it!)
Oh.
*Ice cubes in a plastic bag make a quick ice bag.
*Don't spend money on something you may not really want or need--even if it only costs 79 cents. A good way to look at this is to figure, seventy-nine cents is a third of a box of fine chocolate, a fifth of a fancy new sweater, one-twentieth of a good permanent.
Are these exchange rates?
*Avoid putting your hands on your hips--most guys think it doesn't look attractive.
*Be the first in your crowd to learn to play the Doodka, a musical instrument made from a 2x4 inch piece of cereal-box cardboard. It's about the size and shape and weight of a business card and makes sounds somewhere between a clarinet and a violin!
*If you're tall, practice dancing with your knees slightly bent. This is a smarter way than leaning over and sticking out in back when dancing with a shorter boy.
*Best personality picker-upper is a hobby. Doesn't matter what you collect, whether it's soup bones or cheese labels (very popular in Europe right now. They even hold international conventions and exhibitions there). Collect something! Even if it's only as an alibi for some boy to come over "to case your collection!"
*If you want dogs to stay away from you, dip your clothes in kerosene.
Clothing and fashion tips:
*To avoid clothespin marks on your washable slacks, turn the pockets inside out and hang them up that way.
I assume one should burn their unwashable slacks.
*If a rich uncle presents you with a dozen nylons, or happen to pick them up cheap at a special sale, the safest place to store them is in your deep freeze! As often in such things, New York top models were first to find this out and they say it really adds longevity to stockings. But before wearing, be sure to defrost them slowly.
Okay, first of all, I love a world in which pantyhose are so cost-prohibitive that they have to be freezer-stored. Second, I think the inclusion of the last sentence gives a big hint about what this book's author thought of his audience's intelligence.
*Stumped about how to dry crinoline petticoats quickly? Hang them over an open umbrella to dry!
*"Teenage Girls Discuss Their Wardrobes" is a leaflet you can get free by writing to the Agriculture Department, Washington, DC. (Send along a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)
*Some kids we know won't wear any other kinds of sandals than those with tire-tread soles. They search for them all over. Want to join the hunt?
No, and these kids should be shunned and mocked.
*How would you like to own an original creation by a famous couturier? Stop in at your local Goodwill Industries thrift shop and you might find just that--and at an unbelievably low price! Many celebrities, like Celeste Holm and Eva Gabor, donate their last season's almost-new wardrobes to Goodwill. The shopper who spots such a bargain is a lucky gal--and a fashionable one.
Or, you may find a book with incredibly stupid tips.
*Got any old socks around the house? Who hasn't! So start a fad--and save money besides. Wear unmatched socks to all informal occasions. Bet all the other kids will go for it. And you'll get a reputation for a being a trendsetter!
*Bet you never thought about sewing colorful or shiny old buttons on wide strips of elastic and wearing them as suspenders? Looks real groovy!
Oooh, beauty secrets:
*Want to give yourself a nose job? You'll achieve a turned-up nose effect by putting just a little rouge in the nostrils at the outer edge. But try not to sneeze.
Recipe time!:
*At your next party serve an ice-cream soda with a new flavor combination--pineapple syrup and chocolate ice cream. Some kids call it a "Hoboken," we call it simply delicious.
*Important point: any drink will taste better if sipped through a straw. Never run out of straws.
*Ice cream can be turned into a super-sundae treat within seconds. Use grenadine syrup, Nesselrode sauce or tutti-frutti sauce on cherry, strawberry, blueberry, peach or lemon. Use chocolate sauce or butterscotch on pineapple-pecan, mincemeat or apple-walnut ice cream.
What?
*Sprinkle a teaspoonful of powdered coffee over each serving of vanilla ice cream when the gang comes to your house.
*For a very special guy (like your Dad) make a rose omelette. Break eight eggs into the blender, season with one level teaspoon celery salt and a pinch of marjoram. Add half a cup of freshly picked roses and blend at medium speed until the eggs are fluffy and the petals are almost liquified. Cook and garnish with rosebuds. How elegant!
WHAT. And eight eggs?!
*To stop complaints about the size of hamburgers you dish out, use an ice-cream dipper to make uniform meat balls or patties.
Or tell those bitches to make their own damn dinner.
*Maybe the fanciest way to serve hamburgers is to take a pumpkin or melon and make a hole on top to accommodate a long candle securely. Then spike the melon with tiny hamburger bits on toothpicks to make it look like a cactus plant or porcupine. Guests will "heat" their burger snacks by touching it to the flame before gulping them down. Gives them a yummy charcoal flavor, too!
Let's party!:
*If you're bored with anagrams and charades at a party, why not try a word puzzler called palindrome, invented by an ancient Greek?
What kind of party is this? And no, in case you were wondering, the particular Greek doesn't matter.
*Beatnik parties are overdone, but you'll be way ahead of the game if you give a formal Beatnik party! Invitations should specify "black sneakers." (As for the rest, there'll be guitar-playing, poetry-reading, and the lot.)
*To celebrate the first birthday of an Atlanta, GA baby boy, his parents held a party in the automobile where he was born while his mother was on the way to a hospital.
Tips for the boyfriend:
*Ask your special guy to read these suggestions--or better still, read some over the phone to him--and he'll race right over!
*There's a place in the Times Square area of New York City that hand-paints neckties right on your shirt! Check if there isn't some kook in your city who'll do a neat job of it for you.
I'm pretty sure that at the time this book was written, there were a lot of strange things going on in the "Times Square area."
*You guys whose socks are always falling down! No need to wear garters. Just draw a line with wet soap around your ankles and let dry. You'll find your socks will stay up pretty well.
*If you find you have no time for a quickie shave, a bright tie will divert attention away from a five o'clock shadow.
Or just have some kook hand-paint a bright tie on your face!
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 09:22 am (UTC)What?! And ewwwwwwwwwwww.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 02:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 05:26 pm (UTC)Yeah. Right after you dip them in kerosene. I think the person who wrote this book was trying to drive women to eating disorders. I'm sitting here picturing a pumpkin spiked with toothpicks and raw hamburger and about 20 people standing around a candle trying to cook their little hunk of meat. E. Coli is always fun!
Even if you ignore the mincemeat ice cream, that whole paragraph about sundaes is bizarre. Is there anyone who doesn't know that you can put syrup on ice cream to make a sundae?
And I never would have guessed that putting ice in a bag makes and icebag. I'm going to make my Doodka right now.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 11:28 pm (UTC)And I really don't get who this book is aimed at. Marcia Brady, perhaps.
I'm having rose omelettes for dinner. Through a straw.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 05:34 pm (UTC)Cool! You bring the bongo drums, I'll bring the Negro!!!
no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 07:29 pm (UTC)What the holy hell? SOUP BONES???
Got any old socks around the house? Who hasn't! So start a fad--and save money besides. Wear unmatched socks to all informal occasions. Bet all the other kids will go for it. And you'll get a reputation for a being a trendsetter!
This made me laugh SO HARD. The only thing this will get you is a reputation as a retard. Hey, try wearing a football helmet at all times, while you're at it! Bet all the kids will go for it!
no subject
Date: 2005-10-17 11:42 pm (UTC)Anything I've got piling up around the house, I'm going to wear out wherever I go. Plastic grocery bags, old t-shirts...whatever.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 01:28 am (UTC)"Soup bone collection"? That's just...stoopid. The "soak your clothes in kerosene" bit was enough to convince me that whoever wrote this hated women with a passion. "Soak your clothes in kerosine"? EEEEEEEEEEK!
no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 03:05 am (UTC)