I break bones and laugh.

Every time I've gone to the Jimmie Hale Mission (thrift store), I've thumbed through this book. It's called 1001 Tips for Teens and it was first published in 1967. Well, I bought it yesterday and I'm going to share some of its wisdom with you. First up, for you single people out there or maybe some of you coupled people too, here are some tips from the chapter titled "Where the Boys Are."

*When you have a chance to pick an elective or special course, choose one on photography or crafts. There are bound to be many more boys than girls enrolled in such courses, and you'll have them practically all to yourself!

Hmm, but how do you get him to notice you?

*Carrying a book with an unusual title is also a great conversation-starter. What boy can resist trying to meet a girl who's reading books like Witchcraft in the 13th Century or Handwriting Analysis?

My sister: Plenty.

*It's been said that there's really nothing more effective to get the boy you want to fall for you than to keep on and on and on, telling him: "You are so wonderful!"

*If your date at a drive-in wants to get overly romantic, honk the horn "accidentally."

I love the euphemisms of the book and the idea that you have to concoct some sort of diversion to get someone to stop groping you.

How about some fashion and beauty tips?

*A worn shaving brush makes a soft complexion brush that will give your face and neck an effective soap massage. After getting a brush from Dad or Big Brother, cut the bristles down to about one inch from the handle.

I love you, Big Brother. Room 101, sponsored by Gillette.

*Have you tried covering old earrings with pieces of wool? Looks neat!

*And for your next big date tape pink roses to your earlobes.

*If your lips are too full, it's difficult to disguise their shape. Best system is to use honey-tone or beige lipstick which do not call extra attention to your mouth.

Yeah, someone might want to get overly romantic with you.

*Every gal can afford a mink stole--if it's made out of soapsuds! While you're in the tub, "drape" a thick soapy lather around your shoulders, arms, and back. Then enjoy the luxurious effect of "white mink," while the suds work to make your skin more glamourous.

How about some pointers for around the house?

*Be a real snob--get a black telephone!

...

*If your boyfriend asks you to help decorate his room, suggest he give it a sophisticated, worldly look by displaying empty champagne, cognac, and other fancy wine bottles on shelves, just as many top-notch bistros do. (You can do the same with gay, straw-covered bottles for your room.)

*Nonalcoholic variation on a popular drink--the Rusty Nail. Dissolve a beef bouillon cube, add a shot of vanilla and pour over cracked ice.

Yum.

That should be enough learning for now.