I break bones and laugh.

I was going to wait until tomorrow to update but it's a small one, so why not?

I would like to thank mygirl for the lovely card. I enjoy bribes surprises.

And a belated happy birthday (one day, I will do this on time) to the beautiful la_sonnambula, who is one of the kindest people I "know."

And of course, happy birthday, John Redcorn VC! Stop windtalking me.

No, I won't massage you with my boobs.

Mean Receptionist left me a myspace comment yesterday to let me know that I had two early appointments today. When I got to work this morning, I was a little surprised that they were both men. Because I work in a traditional full-service day spa, most of my clientele are of the lady persuasion.

The first client was new and he was booked for a half-hour Swedish, which went well. Then there was the second client. One of the owners and Mean Receptionist had talked to him the day before and he'd raised their eyebrows. He'd repeatedly asked the same questions and some of his questions (Do we have a jacuzzi?) led them to believe that something was hinky with him. The other owner thought he might be a cop, testing us to make sure that everything was on the level.

Suffice it to say, I was not thrilled when 10:30 rolled around. And then at 10:30, he wasn't there. We started to relax. We had nearly relaxed ourselves into a mean girl lull and then the door opened. And it was him.

Mean Receptionist gave him his client info card to fill out and I wept. His cell phone rang and he picked up, speaking in Arabic. He returned the card to us and I took him back to my room to go over everything. This part is pretty straightforward. I go over the info on the card and ask about any possible contraindications for massage. We talk about what the client is looking to get out of the massage. With him, I just got my skeeve on.

He wanted to know if I did "French massage." I told him that I didn't, as I don't have a clue what it is. I explained to him the kinds of massage I do. I decided to go with Swedish with him.

During the conversation, I asked him where he was from. He told me his mother was Italian. Yeah, okay. [Later he would tell me that his father is from Jerusalem.] I left him alone to undress then I returned to the spa rooms to cry. I went back and began the massage. He soon realized this was not the kind of massage he was looking for. He told me about getting French massages in Amsterdam. Apparently, it involves picking out a girl from a group of about six and said girl "massaging" the client with her naked body.

Me: ...

I finished the massage and it was medium creepy the whole time but he didn't ever say or do anything over the line. He did ask me if I were Muslim, though. Sorry, pal but this little filly *finger guns* ain't on the market.

I was hanging in reception with the Mean one and a client who was getting her body wrap measurements and after a few minutes, it occurred to me that he'd been in my room alone longer than it would have taken for him to dress. I got skurred. He came out, though, and cancelled his aromabath appointment, which was to follow the massage.

The horror, the horror...

( Read more... )

So that happened...

The BPAL order I placed in April still hasn't shipped yet and I've become desperate with anticipation. I ordered just one bottle! Please send my glorious Midway!

I totally haven't learned my lesson because I ordered a bottle of the Lunacy Limited Edition on Sunday. I couldn't help it! It sounded so good! Offerings of ginger candy, sugar cane, smoky vanilla and rice wine mingle with a ghost’s perfume of white sandalwood, ho wood, ti, white grapefruit, crystalline musk and aloe.

And I'm now getting into my very excited about traveling mode. I had a nice long conversation with my Limey last night and that was quite lovely. "I've missed hearing your voice," he said and...sigh. I love that Teabag. And I think my trip will be quite the adventure. I'm so excited about seeing everyone.

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about but mostly I've just been working and trying to catch up on housework, which I never seem to do. And I'm a total jackass because I still haven't told off_key happy birthday, so happy birthday! I hope it was swell.

And now a present from me to all of you--it's Siri Helene Erland doing Coldplay's "Fix You" on Norwegian Idol. Enjoy!

It occurred to me that I hadn't updated in a while. I'm just so busy constantly! And I still have not found an organizer that I like so I carry around my to-do list in my head and on very attractive scraps of paper in my purse.

I do have some free time, which I've been using to gorge on movies, thanks to someone's suggestion to go back to Netflix. I cancelled my account there after I quit the Radisson and I just never started up again but now I'm back and OMG, so good. I filled my queue in two days! And I have seen Ax 'Em (hilariously awful) and then in the giallo genre, House With Laughing Windows and Night Train Murders, both of which I thought were great. Then I saw Survive Style 5+ and it is fucking brilliant. I don't really know how to explain it. It's just madness. I will try to summarize the (five) storylines:

An artist keeps trying and failing to kill his wife, who comes back to life ready to kick his ass; a businessman and his family attend a hypnotist's show and it changes their lives in a way they never expected; a trio of young men break into houses and discover their feelings; Vinnie Jones is a hitman who asks everyone what function they serve in life; an advertising director has goofy commercial ideas but they fall flat with everyone but her (and the movie's audience)

Each story touches the other, in small and big ways, until most of them tie together at the very end in an ending that's both bizarre and completely right. It's visually amazing, drenched in oversaturated colors with fun effects. I just loved it. And I have such a crush on Reika Hasmimoto, seen below mid-kicking her husband's ass:



Besides watching movies, I've also been working on my brochure for work, which I hate because I'm doing it myself and I hate publishing programs and why won't it align right? and yarrgh.

On the other hand, I'm planning my trip for next month and I love that. I have my flight details and it's exactly like I said a while ago--arrive July 10 in Philly (to stay at my usual place, monooka), take the train to NYC July 12, fly home (or to Atlanta) on the 15th, drive to Eufaula, get drunk with former classmates/get to see who's...let's just say "changed." I'm so excited!

Of course, before that I just need to get my train ticket, buy a new cell phone, call the Limey, go by the social security office, pick up my friends and family rate card from my old hotel, make an appointment with the lady doctor, and finish my brochure. No sweat.

I'm going to have a slawdog today and you can't stop me. P.S.: I almost bought a pair of gaucho pants the other day and I felt no shame. See, when I went to my dad's house, I was getting ready for church and I realized that the pants I intended to wear were still lying on the dryer...four hours away here at Ft. Awesome. So my dad gave me a wad of cash and told me to go buy a pair of pants at Wal-Mart. It was a weird transitional time so they didn't have any proper black dress pants--my only choices were something called "bikini pants" and palazzo pants. I chose the palazzo pants and it's just a slippery slope from them to gauchos. Luckily for...the world, I guess, the gauchos had sold out in my size.

And now, breakfast!

Ramrod, gone fission.

It's smapdi_j's birthday! Happy birthday!

Today's highs:

1) FUNNELCAKE!!!
2) AND FRIED OREOS!!!
3) Tony Stewart's wreck was AWESOME. Made more awesome by the fact that he walked away without a scratch and managed to avoid nearly every other car as he was spinning through the air.
4) Show last night was great. Thanks again to Jake, Daniel and Nate for being so cool.
5) This moment last night--

Some drunk guy: Does anyone need a queen-size mattress and box spring set that's only been slept on by a woman who smells real good?
Daniel: How did you know?

Last night's lows:

1) A guy tried to convince me to go into the bathroom with him. [For Birminghamians only: The bathroom at the Nick.] [For the rest of you: I don't even like to use the bathroom for the usual purpose much less whatever he was trying to do.]
2) When I decided to leave last night, I couldn't find my car and had a minor freakout that it had been towed (yes, at 3am).
a. It was in a different place entirely.
b. It was always in sight of the front entrance to the Nick.

EDIT: HAHA.

"Kyle Busch would like to apologize to Casey Mears, but his NASCAR Nextel Cup competitor hasn't returned his phone calls."

Good for you, Casey! And why hasn't this douche (Kyle) gotten his comeuppance yet? I do agree with the comment that he'll be a great driver once he grows up. He'll probably still look like Crackle and/or Pop, though.
---

Some people wonder what I like about Nascar, because I don't fit the image of "Nascar fan" that they have in their heads. So:

1) It's uniquely southern. From the drivers' accents to its rumored roots in moonshine bootlegging, it feels like home.
2) It requires a level of skill that goes beyond most sports--not only do you have your body to deal with, you have to be in control of a monstrous piece of machinery (and in restrictor-plate racing, you have to work well with others--others who are traveling incredibly close to you).
3) Cars go real fast (and sometimes wreck spectacularly!).
4) The stories of cheating. Nascar drivers and their pit crews have pushed the rules to the limit in every way possible over the years and I love the ingenuity.

EDIT again: Who the shit calls during the final lap?! Congrats, Martin Truex, Jr.!

And now, some bad horror movies that I have liked. There are some spoilers, but these are the kind of movies that spoilers don't really pertain to--plots? Who needs 'em?!

1. Bloodshack: The plot outline, according to IMDB--A young woman inherits a ranch that is supposedly haunted by a murderous beast called "The Chooper."

The Chooper. Ahaha. Running at a slim 70 minutes and sporting an equally slim budget, Bloodshack stars Carolyn Brandt as...Carolyn Brandt, the young woman mentioned in the plot outline. She inherits the ranch and hilarity--oh, I mean, blood-drenched horror--ensues. There is an obligatory ill-fated young couple but you won't care about them because you won't be able to make out enough of their dialogue. There's also a creepy ranchhand who might be a child predator (IRL) and a too-slick fellow who's a little too interested in the ranch. No way is he connected to The Chooper! And if all that isn't enough, there's also stock footage of rodeos.

Bloodshack is from the same director of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?, who has directed under a total of thirteen names.

I think that, as well as this from IMDB, sums it up: Plot holes: The setting is a small house and shack in the middle of the desert, an open area with no hiding places, yet the Chooper is able to run around dressed entirely in black in the middle of broad daylight without being noticed.

2. Witchboard: 'Tis the tool of darkness! In this laugh riot, Tawny Kitaen is Linda Brewster, a law (?) student who is feeling neglected by her baby daddy Jim and so becomes fascinated by her friend Brandon's Ouija board. Of course, before you can say "I'm feeling Tawny and I can't Kitaen myself," she contacts Malfaitor, an evil spirit who wants to kill people and smudge Tawny's eyeliner.

There is flying ketchup! Psychic humor! Multiple visible crew shots! Incorrect shirt-wearing! Amateur plumbing! "Progressive entrapment"! A conveniently placed sundial! Tawny's boobs! And a moving romance between Brandon Linda and Jim!

3. Troll: A young boy named Harry Potter fights an evil troll with the help of witchcraft. No, I'm not shitting you.

The troll chorus musical interlude is a must see!

4. Empire of the Ants: I love a good animal swarm attack movie. This is not it. Joan Collins stars as a real estate agent pimping a development area that, let's just say, has problems, to a bunch of people who can't afford the properties anyway. Unfortunately for everyone, some chemical barrels have spilled on the land and the happy ants splashing around in the puddles are crazy for some mercury.

Worth seeing for some of the worst chroma key work I've ever seen--the ants are climbing up the sky! The humans fight nothing! Or you know, that whole shocking twist about how the queen ant is holed up in a sugar factory, commanding an entire town by telekinesis to feed her.

5. Slugs: Yes, it's a movie world in which killer slugs wreak havoc. Not only must you suspend your disbelief for that but you must also believe that the hero drives a K-car.

K-Car: *squeeeeeeal*
Road curve: *is conquered*
ohthajimpanity: Oh, right! That suspension would have crumpled on that damn turn--I'm not buying this, movie!

There are stunning mullets and things (including skulls!) blow up real good. And also, killer slugs.

6. The Hills Have Eyes, part the second: Sure, the first one is pretty good and I'll even go so far as to say it's a horror classic. But in the second one, a dog has a flashback sequence!

7. Jack Frost: Jack is born in a similar fashion as Chucky. To wit, the death of a serial killer + something else=death parade!!!! In this case, a serial killer is killed when the vehicle transporting him collides with a truck carrying something biohazardy and his DNA fuses with snow, turning him into...a serial killing snowman!

8. Blue Sunshine: ohthajimpanity let me pick the movie at the video store. I thought I picked a good one, with a laughably stupid premise about kids who took acid in college, only to suffer the side effects ten years later. Wrong! I picked the ubercreepy one that had us glued to our chairs in fright. It's not perfect by any means, but it's effectively creepy.

9. Prom Night: Because every horror movie needs a disco dance sequence. And a disco theme song. "Prom night!" See how many of your own lyrics you can make up!

10. Children of the Corn (all of them): The first one is actually pretty good. The rest are not. I have a theory that most horror fans have a series that's just theirs, that they like even though they know it's crap. This is mine.

Today was quite lovely, even though I don't feel as if I did anything. I had an appointment this morning and I was not thrilled about getting up so early (9am appointment!). I was even less thrilled when my client turned out to be a no-show, no-call.

So I came home, had waffles (A+++), and took some photos.

( Whee! )