I break bones and laugh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY baggylettuce! Have the kind of fun that could get you arrested!

Um, but don't actually get arrested.

For the rest of you, if I have some extra time tonight, I'll give you some party (and other kinds of) tips from everyone's favorite new book. The rose omelette is coming.

Every time I've gone to the Jimmie Hale Mission (thrift store), I've thumbed through this book. It's called 1001 Tips for Teens and it was first published in 1967. Well, I bought it yesterday and I'm going to share some of its wisdom with you. First up, for you single people out there or maybe some of you coupled people too, here are some tips from the chapter titled "Where the Boys Are."

*When you have a chance to pick an elective or special course, choose one on photography or crafts. There are bound to be many more boys than girls enrolled in such courses, and you'll have them practically all to yourself!

Hmm, but how do you get him to notice you?

*Carrying a book with an unusual title is also a great conversation-starter. What boy can resist trying to meet a girl who's reading books like Witchcraft in the 13th Century or Handwriting Analysis?

My sister: Plenty.

*It's been said that there's really nothing more effective to get the boy you want to fall for you than to keep on and on and on, telling him: "You are so wonderful!"

*If your date at a drive-in wants to get overly romantic, honk the horn "accidentally."

I love the euphemisms of the book and the idea that you have to concoct some sort of diversion to get someone to stop groping you.

How about some fashion and beauty tips?

*A worn shaving brush makes a soft complexion brush that will give your face and neck an effective soap massage. After getting a brush from Dad or Big Brother, cut the bristles down to about one inch from the handle.

I love you, Big Brother. Room 101, sponsored by Gillette.

*Have you tried covering old earrings with pieces of wool? Looks neat!

*And for your next big date tape pink roses to your earlobes.

*If your lips are too full, it's difficult to disguise their shape. Best system is to use honey-tone or beige lipstick which do not call extra attention to your mouth.

Yeah, someone might want to get overly romantic with you.

*Every gal can afford a mink stole--if it's made out of soapsuds! While you're in the tub, "drape" a thick soapy lather around your shoulders, arms, and back. Then enjoy the luxurious effect of "white mink," while the suds work to make your skin more glamourous.

How about some pointers for around the house?

*Be a real snob--get a black telephone!

...

*If your boyfriend asks you to help decorate his room, suggest he give it a sophisticated, worldly look by displaying empty champagne, cognac, and other fancy wine bottles on shelves, just as many top-notch bistros do. (You can do the same with gay, straw-covered bottles for your room.)

*Nonalcoholic variation on a popular drink--the Rusty Nail. Dissolve a beef bouillon cube, add a shot of vanilla and pour over cracked ice.

Yum.

That should be enough learning for now.

This is a letter to Jerry Garcia, who died on this day in 1995.

( Ten years, eh? )

I finished A Great and Terrible Beauty this morning. I was so tired that I was nauseated but I had to know how it ended. I was a little disappointed. When I first got into it I was hoping "don't let this be The Craft with corsets," and it was better than that but it felt unfinished. I've since heard that Bray plans to write more about Gemma, the narrator, so I guess that's why it felt unresolved. I do think the story is a good idea and I hope she continues it.

I'm very conscious of the luxury of reading, the luxury of education. Reading this book in particular, I can't help but think of the women who were denied this--the women who only a century ago had their lives decided for them. I can't wait to see what becomes of Gemma now that she's become more aware of her own strength.

From the book: She walks out toward them, an apparition in white and blue velvet, her head held high as they stare in awe at her, the goddess. I don't yet know what power feels like. But this is surely what it looks like, and I think I'm beginning to understand why those ancient women had to hide in caves. Why our parents and teachers and suitors want us to behave properly and predictably. It's not that they want to protect us; it's that they fear us.

As you can imagine, in light of recent events, this is exactly what I needed to hear.

In only tangentially related news, I will be applying for my licensing exam tomorrow. Nervousness! I can't write that I think I'll do okay because I honestly don't know. I just need to start studying like a fiend. But I hate studying. I've always been terrible at it. I just have such an extraordinarily hard time trying to motivate myself into it. I will dig out my review book tonight and try to do something with it. Gah.

I went to the bookstore to pick up a new book because in my hurry to finish this last one, I had neglected to pick up a spare. I chose Everything is Illuminated, which I hope changes my life like those of the people on the back of the dustjacket. On my drive back, the DJ on the local pop station was relating how a girl had called to request a song because the song was stuck in her head and she was trying to study for a test. He asked her what she was studying and she said that she went to massage therapy school and her test was on "proper body mechanics." He asked her what that was and she couldn't tell him. ! Couldn't even give him a stumbling, um-studded answer. He asked her well, is it [pretty good starting definition]? She said, "Something like that."

I was so fucking embarrassed. There are two other schools that teach massage therapy in Birmingham but I'm willing to bet she's attending my alma mater. I almost called in but I made a promise to myself never to speak to Nick Nice, the DJ.

I can't decide whether or not to go see Rilo Kiley. I like their music but...let's just say my white belt's in the shop.

And finally, OMG I will never mock my dad again.

From a letter Dwight D. Eisenhower wrote to his brother in 1954:

Now it is true that I believe this country is following a dangerous trend when it permits too great a degree of centralization of governmental functions. I oppose this--in some instances the fight is a rather desperate one. But to attain any success it is quite clear that the Federal government cannot avoid or escape responsibilities which the mass of the people firmly believe should be undertaken by it. The political processes of our country are such that if a rule of reason is not applied in this effort, we will lose everything--even to a possible and drastic change in the Constitution. This is what I mean by my constant insistence upon "moderation" in government. Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.

IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

:-)

I knew that Brian Welch, formerly of Korn, has become born again but I didn't realize that he was born again as Jesus. Seriously.

OMG THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN.

You can mock it all you want but I loved that book. He named the last person Tala! Plus, it stars Michael Imperioli as the Captain and as loathsome as Christofuh can be, I think he's hot.

Also, Sayid + Nadia= *sob*

And what was the casting note on hives guy? "Seeking actor, 40-ish. Must be totally annoying."