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And now, some bad horror movies that I have liked. There are some spoilers, but these are the kind of movies that spoilers don't really pertain to--plots? Who needs 'em?!
1. Bloodshack: The plot outline, according to IMDB--A young woman inherits a ranch that is supposedly haunted by a murderous beast called "The Chooper."
The Chooper. Ahaha. Running at a slim 70 minutes and sporting an equally slim budget, Bloodshack stars Carolyn Brandt as...Carolyn Brandt, the young woman mentioned in the plot outline. She inherits the ranch and hilarity--oh, I mean, blood-drenched horror--ensues. There is an obligatory ill-fated young couple but you won't care about them because you won't be able to make out enough of their dialogue. There's also a creepy ranchhand who might be a child predator (IRL) and a too-slick fellow who's a little too interested in the ranch. No way is he connected to The Chooper! And if all that isn't enough, there's also stock footage of rodeos.
Bloodshack is from the same director of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?, who has directed under a total of thirteen names.
I think that, as well as this from IMDB, sums it up: Plot holes: The setting is a small house and shack in the middle of the desert, an open area with no hiding places, yet the Chooper is able to run around dressed entirely in black in the middle of broad daylight without being noticed.
2. Witchboard: 'Tis the tool of darkness! In this laugh riot, Tawny Kitaen is Linda Brewster, a law (?) student who is feeling neglected by her baby daddy Jim and so becomes fascinated by her friend Brandon's Ouija board. Of course, before you can say "I'm feeling Tawny and I can't Kitaen myself," she contacts Malfaitor, an evil spirit who wants to kill people and smudge Tawny's eyeliner.
There is flying ketchup! Psychic humor! Multiple visible crew shots! Incorrect shirt-wearing! Amateur plumbing! "Progressive entrapment"! A conveniently placed sundial! Tawny's boobs! And a moving romance betweenBrandon Linda and Jim!
3. Troll: A young boy named Harry Potter fights an evil troll with the help of witchcraft. No, I'm not shitting you.
The troll chorus musical interlude is a must see!
4. Empire of the Ants: I love a good animal swarm attack movie. This is not it. Joan Collins stars as a real estate agent pimping a development area that, let's just say, has problems, to a bunch of people who can't afford the properties anyway. Unfortunately for everyone, some chemical barrels have spilled on the land and the happy ants splashing around in the puddles are crazy for some mercury.
Worth seeing for some of the worst chroma key work I've ever seen--the ants are climbing up the sky! The humans fight nothing! Or you know, that whole shocking twist about how the queen ant is holed up in a sugar factory, commanding an entire town by telekinesis to feed her.
5. Slugs: Yes, it's a movie world in which killer slugs wreak havoc. Not only must you suspend your disbelief for that but you must also believe that the hero drives a K-car.
K-Car: *squeeeeeeal*
Road curve: *is conquered*
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ohthajimpanity: Oh, right! That suspension would have crumpled on that damn turn--I'm not buying this, movie!
There are stunning mullets and things (including skulls!) blow up real good. And also, killer slugs.
6. The Hills Have Eyes, part the second: Sure, the first one is pretty good and I'll even go so far as to say it's a horror classic. But in the second one, a dog has a flashback sequence!
7. Jack Frost: Jack is born in a similar fashion as Chucky. To wit, the death of a serial killer + something else=death parade!!!! In this case, a serial killer is killed when the vehicle transporting him collides with a truck carrying something biohazardy and his DNA fuses with snow, turning him into...a serial killing snowman!
8. Blue Sunshine:ohthajimpanity let me pick the movie at the video store. I thought I picked a good one, with a laughably stupid premise about kids who took acid in college, only to suffer the side effects ten years later. Wrong! I picked the ubercreepy one that had us glued to our chairs in fright. It's not perfect by any means, but it's effectively creepy.
9. Prom Night: Because every horror movie needs a disco dance sequence. And a disco theme song. "Prom night!" See how many of your own lyrics you can make up!
10. Children of the Corn (all of them): The first one is actually pretty good. The rest are not. I have a theory that most horror fans have a series that's just theirs, that they like even though they know it's crap. This is mine.
1. Bloodshack: The plot outline, according to IMDB--A young woman inherits a ranch that is supposedly haunted by a murderous beast called "The Chooper."
The Chooper. Ahaha. Running at a slim 70 minutes and sporting an equally slim budget, Bloodshack stars Carolyn Brandt as...Carolyn Brandt, the young woman mentioned in the plot outline. She inherits the ranch and hilarity--oh, I mean, blood-drenched horror--ensues. There is an obligatory ill-fated young couple but you won't care about them because you won't be able to make out enough of their dialogue. There's also a creepy ranchhand who might be a child predator (IRL) and a too-slick fellow who's a little too interested in the ranch. No way is he connected to The Chooper! And if all that isn't enough, there's also stock footage of rodeos.
Bloodshack is from the same director of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?, who has directed under a total of thirteen names.
I think that, as well as this from IMDB, sums it up: Plot holes: The setting is a small house and shack in the middle of the desert, an open area with no hiding places, yet the Chooper is able to run around dressed entirely in black in the middle of broad daylight without being noticed.
2. Witchboard: 'Tis the tool of darkness! In this laugh riot, Tawny Kitaen is Linda Brewster, a law (?) student who is feeling neglected by her baby daddy Jim and so becomes fascinated by her friend Brandon's Ouija board. Of course, before you can say "I'm feeling Tawny and I can't Kitaen myself," she contacts Malfaitor, an evil spirit who wants to kill people and smudge Tawny's eyeliner.
There is flying ketchup! Psychic humor! Multiple visible crew shots! Incorrect shirt-wearing! Amateur plumbing! "Progressive entrapment"! A conveniently placed sundial! Tawny's boobs! And a moving romance between
3. Troll: A young boy named Harry Potter fights an evil troll with the help of witchcraft. No, I'm not shitting you.
The troll chorus musical interlude is a must see!
4. Empire of the Ants: I love a good animal swarm attack movie. This is not it. Joan Collins stars as a real estate agent pimping a development area that, let's just say, has problems, to a bunch of people who can't afford the properties anyway. Unfortunately for everyone, some chemical barrels have spilled on the land and the happy ants splashing around in the puddles are crazy for some mercury.
Worth seeing for some of the worst chroma key work I've ever seen--the ants are climbing up the sky! The humans fight nothing! Or you know, that whole shocking twist about how the queen ant is holed up in a sugar factory, commanding an entire town by telekinesis to feed her.
5. Slugs: Yes, it's a movie world in which killer slugs wreak havoc. Not only must you suspend your disbelief for that but you must also believe that the hero drives a K-car.
K-Car: *squeeeeeeal*
Road curve: *is conquered*
ohthajimpanity: Oh, right! That suspension would have crumpled on that damn turn--I'm not buying this, movie!There are stunning mullets and things (including skulls!) blow up real good. And also, killer slugs.
6. The Hills Have Eyes, part the second: Sure, the first one is pretty good and I'll even go so far as to say it's a horror classic. But in the second one, a dog has a flashback sequence!
7. Jack Frost: Jack is born in a similar fashion as Chucky. To wit, the death of a serial killer + something else=death parade!!!! In this case, a serial killer is killed when the vehicle transporting him collides with a truck carrying something biohazardy and his DNA fuses with snow, turning him into...a serial killing snowman!
8. Blue Sunshine:
ohthajimpanity let me pick the movie at the video store. I thought I picked a good one, with a laughably stupid premise about kids who took acid in college, only to suffer the side effects ten years later. Wrong! I picked the ubercreepy one that had us glued to our chairs in fright. It's not perfect by any means, but it's effectively creepy.9. Prom Night: Because every horror movie needs a disco dance sequence. And a disco theme song. "Prom night!" See how many of your own lyrics you can make up!
10. Children of the Corn (all of them): The first one is actually pretty good. The rest are not. I have a theory that most horror fans have a series that's just theirs, that they like even though they know it's crap. This is mine.
